How to Advocate for your Child with Selective Mutism Like a Boss!

As a parent, it can be very difficult to see your child struggling with anxiety and the inability to speak in one or more select social settings.  You want to help them, but you are probably at a loss when it comes to where to start and what will be most effective in helping them progress.   I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling.  Having researched and discovered that your child fits the diagnostic criteria for selective mutism, (the ability to speak in at least one setting, but being mute in at least one other setting) you have already begun the journey of being your child’s advocate. Great job!

I created this list to give other parents/caregivers specific ways to be an advocate for their child with SM and spread awareness, starting today!  Do each of these things with persistence and never give up hope.    My son is now verbal in all settings due to his hard work, myself being a persistent advocate for him and a good treatment plan.  In no particular order of importance, here are 12 ways that you too can become an advocate for your child and help them toward become verbal in all settings.  

1.   Acceptance.  There must be acceptance from caregivers before any progress can be made. Accept your child’s selective mutism.  Do not bribe or force them to talk.  Remove all pressures and expectations to speak.  This helps your child feel understood that it is difficult and scary for them to speak.  Make sure that they know you love them and are proud of them. Hearing this from you will help decrease some anxiety and be the starting point for progress.

2.  Find a treatment professional for your child that SPECIALIZES in SM.  I cannot stress this enough.  They will also be an advocate for your child and can help communicate your child’s needs to their school.  Many offer teleconferences after an initial consult if you live far from a treatment facility.  We went to the Smart Center in Pennsylvania.

3. Get an IEP or at least a 504 plan for your child and come prepared for the meeting. Be diplomatic but persistent if they suggest your child doesn’t need one.  Bring your A game! Knowledge is power. Most school staff are vaguely familiar with SM, if at all.  Bring literature from your treatment professional that correctly defines SM and materials about the need for an IEP for an SM child.  Be ready to discuss areas that your child struggles in and your main points of concern for the classroom – education wise and socially with peers.  If they have a good friend in the same grade, make sure that they can be in the same class.

4.   Educate yourself, so you can educate others who interact with your child.  Read books about SM and share them.  It is so important to educate yourself and others who interact with your child.  Have your husband read them, your parents, your in-laws, etc.  When you go to your IEP meeting bring one or two books that you feel are the best to share with next year’s teacher, the child study team and whoever else is working with your child.  I have listed some of my favorite selective mutism books at the bottom of the Books section of my blog.

5. Schedule playdates/get-togethers with classmates who might be compatible.  Ask the teacher for recommendations on what classmates’ personalities are most compatible with your child.  Get out the school directory and email or call those parents to set up playdates with planned activities for younger children or a get-together to do something of a common interest for older children.  One-on-one playdates with no pressure to speak are extremely important.  There is significantly less pressure in a one-on-one situation than with a group.  A friendship and comfort can be built through several playdates and when the child feels comfortable enough, speech can occur.  Overtime, it can lead to more comfort in the classroom if they have a friend in the same class.  See my post on 5 Tips for a Successful Selective Mutism Playdate.

6. Step out of your comfort zone.  Advocating for your child will most likely take you a bit out of your comfort zone.  If you are more of an introverted person, get ready to take a giant leap outside of it.  It will most likely feel difficult and awkward at times to stand up and voice what is needed for your child, but trust me all your brave efforts will benefit your child immensely and will probably help you feel much more confident as well. 

7. Stop caring so much about what people think.  This is hard, I know.  People are going to judge.  I have been called overprotective several times, but in 10 years, 5 years or even 1, am I really going to care what they thought?  My #1 priority is my child and making sure he is getting the help and support that he needs.  Keep your focus on your child and what's best for them.  Trust your instinct.

8. Bring a skeptic family member to a session with your treatment professional.  It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful when a family member doesn’t accept what your child is going through or misunderstands it.  It is also very hard to effectively communicate what your child is going through without emotions getting in the way.  If they interact with your child on a fairly regular basis, you may want to invite them to an appointment.  Sometimes being able to observe a session and hear the information straight from a professional carries more weight for people.  If they have a better understanding, it will benefit your child.  

9.  Stop focusing on what your child can’t do and focus on what they can!  Find their strengths and interests.  Do they enjoy a specific sport?  Get them involved on a team.  Just make sure you speak with the coach about their SM prior to practices.  Not a fan of sports?  Maybe they would enjoy scouting.  Are they interested in Legos or a specific game? Find a lego club or start your own club.  They may not be able to be verbal in class, but maybe they enjoy writing or drawing.  Encourage them to draw and write stories, attend an art class or start a journal.  My Book of Brave is a journal that I created for my son and others dealing with anxiety.  It has been a very effective tool for him.  Whatever their interest, get them involved in something they enjoy.  This will focus on their strengths and help build their confidence.  Selective Mutism does not define them!

10.    Make sure you, yourself have support.  Being an advocate for a child with SM can be very rewarding, but also overwhelming and draining at times.  Make sure you take time for yourself and get the support you need, so that you can be there for your child.  Talk to your treatment professional about putting you in contact with another parent from their office who is in the same situation or join an selective mutism facebook group.  It is so refreshing to talk with other people who understand exactly what you are going through.

I hope that these tips will encourage and inspire you.  You CAN do this!!!  Please share this post with anyone who you think could benefit from these tips.  Thank you!

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