Get Loud with Lemonade!

Recently on a Selective Mutism Facebook group that I am a part of, a woman posted that her daughter was starting a "Get Loud with Lemonade" Project to raise money for the Selective Mutism Association. She was not only raising money through her stand, but also encouraging other children with SM to set up their own lemonade stand to practice their bravery and raise awareness.  What an amazing idea!  My boys love to sell lemonade in the summer, so I knew that they would be excited about this project!  I thought it would be a great way to spread awareness locally and help my oldest practice speaking with people he was not familiar with. When I told them about it, they wanted to start right away!

The boys received a make your own lemonade stand for their birthday and so they went to work coloring and setting up the stand.  At first Thomas's younger brother was the only one yelling "Lemonade for sale!" Thomas didn't feel quite comfortable enough to yell it at first, but by the end he was screaming along with him.  He easily talked with the neighbors.  He told them how much the lemonade was and was able to say thank you.  We had a few delivery men and lawn care workers stop by as well, which proved harder for Thomas to converse with, since he did not know them.  Overall though, it was a big success.  Thomas had some new opportunities to practice his talking and handover/takeover skills, while spreading awareness of a great cause.  We raised $14 for the Selective Mutism Association!  I encourage you to "Get Loud with Lemonade" and share your experience as well!  Check out the map below with the states where kids are already getting involved.

 Kids and parents in fourteen states ( so far) have hosted lemonade stands and donated the money to the Selective Mutism Association or made a donation of some kind. They've raised a combined total of $540.00 so far with more still coming in! It will ALL go to the Selective Mutism Association to help spread awareness.  Check out the Get Loud with Lemonade Facebook Group to learn more about the creators of this project and to post your own Get Loud with Lemonade pics!

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

Start the school year off right!

As summer starts to come to a close, (sigh) our focus as parents begins to shift towards back to school preparation. While you are making sure your children get all the supplies on their school list, you are probably getting a little nervous about how the transition into the new school year will go for your child with Selective Mutism. As a mom who has been there, I have created a free printable of the 10 strategies (in detail)  that I use each year to help the difficult transition of new schedules, teachers and classmates go as smooth as possible for children with SM.  Get the school year off to a successful start with my FREE printable 10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

How to Advocate for your Child with Selective Mutism Like a Boss!

As a parent, it can be very difficult to see your child struggling with anxiety and the inability to speak in one or more select social settings.  You want to help them, but you are probably at a loss when it comes to where to start and what will be most effective in helping them progress.   I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling.  Having researched and discovered that your child fits the diagnostic criteria for selective mutism, (the ability to speak in at least one setting, but being mute in at least one other setting) you have already begun the journey of being your child’s advocate. Great job!

I created this list to give other parents/caregivers specific ways to be an advocate for their child with SM and spread awareness, starting today!  Do each of these things with persistence and never give up hope.    My son is now verbal in all settings due to his hard work, myself being a persistent advocate for him and a good treatment plan.  In no particular order of importance, here are 12 ways that you too can become an advocate for your child and help them toward become verbal in all settings.  

1.   Acceptance.  There must be acceptance from caregivers before any progress can be made. Accept your child’s selective mutism.  Do not bribe or force them to talk.  Remove all pressures and expectations to speak.  This helps your child feel understood that it is difficult and scary for them to speak.  Make sure that they know you love them and are proud of them. Hearing this from you will help decrease some anxiety and be the starting point for progress.

2.  Find a treatment professional for your child that SPECIALIZES in SM.  I cannot stress this enough.  They will also be an advocate for your child and can help communicate your child’s needs to their school.  Many offer teleconferences after an initial consult if you live far from a treatment facility.  We went to the Smart Center in Pennsylvania.

3. Get an IEP or at least a 504 plan for your child and come prepared for the meeting. Be diplomatic but persistent if they suggest your child doesn’t need one.  Bring your A game! Knowledge is power. Most school staff are vaguely familiar with SM, if at all.  Bring literature from your treatment professional that correctly defines SM and materials about the need for an IEP for an SM child.  Be ready to discuss areas that your child struggles in and your main points of concern for the classroom – education wise and socially with peers.  If they have a good friend in the same grade, make sure that they can be in the same class.

4.   Educate yourself, so you can educate others who interact with your child.  Read books about SM and share them.  It is so important to educate yourself and others who interact with your child.  Have your husband read them, your parents, your in-laws, etc.  When you go to your IEP meeting bring one or two books that you feel are the best to share with next year’s teacher, the child study team and whoever else is working with your child.  I have listed some of my favorite selective mutism books at the bottom of the Books section of my blog.

5. Schedule playdates/get-togethers with classmates who might be compatible.  Ask the teacher for recommendations on what classmates’ personalities are most compatible with your child.  Get out the school directory and email or call those parents to set up playdates with planned activities for younger children or a get-together to do something of a common interest for older children.  One-on-one playdates with no pressure to speak are extremely important.  There is significantly less pressure in a one-on-one situation than with a group.  A friendship and comfort can be built through several playdates and when the child feels comfortable enough, speech can occur.  Overtime, it can lead to more comfort in the classroom if they have a friend in the same class.  See my post on 5 Tips for a Successful Selective Mutism Playdate.

6. Step out of your comfort zone.  Advocating for your child will most likely take you a bit out of your comfort zone.  If you are more of an introverted person, get ready to take a giant leap outside of it.  It will most likely feel difficult and awkward at times to stand up and voice what is needed for your child, but trust me all your brave efforts will benefit your child immensely and will probably help you feel much more confident as well. 

7. Stop caring so much about what people think.  This is hard, I know.  People are going to judge.  I have been called overprotective several times, but in 10 years, 5 years or even 1, am I really going to care what they thought?  My #1 priority is my child and making sure he is getting the help and support that he needs.  Keep your focus on your child and what's best for them.  Trust your instinct.

8. Bring a skeptic family member to a session with your treatment professional.  It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful when a family member doesn’t accept what your child is going through or misunderstands it.  It is also very hard to effectively communicate what your child is going through without emotions getting in the way.  If they interact with your child on a fairly regular basis, you may want to invite them to an appointment.  Sometimes being able to observe a session and hear the information straight from a professional carries more weight for people.  If they have a better understanding, it will benefit your child.  

9.  Stop focusing on what your child can’t do and focus on what they can!  Find their strengths and interests.  Do they enjoy a specific sport?  Get them involved on a team.  Just make sure you speak with the coach about their SM prior to practices.  Not a fan of sports?  Maybe they would enjoy scouting.  Are they interested in Legos or a specific game? Find a lego club or start your own club.  They may not be able to be verbal in class, but maybe they enjoy writing or drawing.  Encourage them to draw and write stories, attend an art class or start a journal.  My Book of Brave is a journal that I created for my son and others dealing with anxiety.  It has been a very effective tool for him.  Whatever their interest, get them involved in something they enjoy.  This will focus on their strengths and help build their confidence.  Selective Mutism does not define them!

10.    Make sure you, yourself have support.  Being an advocate for a child with SM can be very rewarding, but also overwhelming and draining at times.  Make sure you take time for yourself and get the support you need, so that you can be there for your child.  Talk to your treatment professional about putting you in contact with another parent from their office who is in the same situation or join an selective mutism facebook group.  It is so refreshing to talk with other people who understand exactly what you are going through.

I hope that these tips will encourage and inspire you.  You CAN do this!!!  Please share this post with anyone who you think could benefit from these tips.  Thank you!

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

 

5 tips for a successful selective mutism playdate

Before we figured out that Thomas had selective mutism, we had some pretty bad playdates.  Thomas would often be excited for his friend to come over, but once they did, he would shut down, have a meltdown or often just go to his room and shut the door, leaving me with the other parent and their child. Awkward! Needless to say I did not like having playdates.  It wouldn't be until we went to a place that specialized in treating sm that I realized how important one-on-one playdates were for helping children develop friendships and become verbal with peers.  I also learned that there were actual strategies you could use for playdates to help make it go as smoothly as possible.

When we began treatment for Thomas's selective mutism, one of the first things we were told was to implement one-on-one playdates with children from his preschool.  Of the many things that were involved with his sm cognitive behavioral therapy program, playdates were what I particularly struggled with. At the time we were in a private preschool twenty minutes from our home where we dropped off, picked up and rarely interacted with other parents from the class.  The first thing that popped into my brain was how would I not only strike up conversations about having playdates with moms I did not know during the chaotic pick up and drop off, but then also invite these strangers and their child over to my house.  Did I mention I also had a newborn who was all of 3 months old at the time!   The whole thing was completely out of my comfort zone, but I realized quickly that a lot of the cognitive behavioral therapy that needed to be done with Thomas would force me past my comfort zone and I needed to accept that.  Besides we were asking Thomas to step WAY out of his comfort zone, so there was no question that I would do the same thing as his advocate.  

We started having playdates about once a week.  Some were harder than others, but over time they really got better and somewhere along the line we both stopped dreading them.  Having these playdates really helped Thomas at school, because he now had formed friendships through the playdates that carried over to the classroom, lunchroom and playground.  Almost 4 years later and fully verbal, Thomas has lots of playdates at our house and also at friends' homes.  There was a time when I thought he would never be able to go to someone's house without me, so it is so wonderful to see him thriving and having a few really close friends.  I really feel that one-on-one playdates helped him practice his social skills, develop friendships and boost his confidence.  Here are my top 5 tips for helping your child with selective mutism have a successful playdate.

1. Seek children with a compatible personality This is true for any playdate, but it is especially important for a child with selective mutism.  My first plan of action for helping my son was to speak to the teacher and teacher's aide to get a recommendation on which children in the classroom would be a good fit for Thomas. Did they share a love for trains?  Did they interact nonverbally together in the class?    Were their temperments the same?  That was the easy part.  The hard part was walking up to the parents of these children who I only greeted in passing to discuss the idea of a playdate.  I was able to ask to parents this way, but I found that emailing them (we had everyone's email address on a parent info sheet) was a great way to explain our situation and what we were doing to help our son.  The parents were very understanding and were actually excited to have their children get some one on one time with another classmate as well.

2. Hold the playdate in the home environment.  As hard as setting up a playdate was, not knowing how the playdate would go was even more stressful.  After all my effort, would Thomas have a meltdown? Refuse to interact?  We were told by Thomas's selective mutism doctor that the home environment was the ideal place to do playdates, because he was most comfortable there and we could control the environment (no loud noises, crowds, or other things that gave Thomas anxiety).  The few times we had met a playdate at a children's play place, Thomas would refuse to interact and the other child would end up playing with some other kid the whole time.  Once Thomas had a lot of playdates at home and was doing well with them, we began having playdates outside the home.   

3.  Have ZERO expectation for speech.  This is so important and often where parents, grandparents, teachers, and friends go wrong.  Children with sm are very aware that they are unable to talk in certain situations and are extremely aware of when people are expecting them to speak.  The irony is that the more you expect or want a child with selective mutism to speak, the more they will feel that expectation and have increased anxiety, and therefore shut down.  It's a vicious cycle.  When you are having playdates with your child's peer and their parent (your peer), you want them to see how fun and amazing your child can be and expectations can run high.  The more you push, the more they'll shut down, so do your best to relax and not worry about what your child is or is not doing.  Make sure all adults involved know that there should be zero expectation as well.  

4.  Have a planned activity/activities.  A planned activity takes the pressure off the child to come up with something to do with the guest.  It takes the focus off of talking and puts it on the activity. We had a lot of success once we began implementing this strategy.  Of course nothing always goes as planned.  Guests sometimes didn't want to do a specific activity, which is why my son and I would discuss a few different ones he liked prior to their arrival and then let our guest choose.  Something we were told over and over again during treatment was that a child has to be comfortable in their environment before speech can even be attempted by a child with sm.  Often activities that involved a lot of hand over/ take over tasks, team work or silliness would end up taking the pressure off my son and he would occasionally say a few words.  I do caution that a planned activity should not involve toys that your child is protective of and might get upset sharing.  We learned quickly to put away favorite toys before a playdate came over to avoid anxiety and meltdowns.  Some playdate activities that worked really well for my preschool son at the height of his sm were:

• Baking- What kid doesn't love eating something yummy that they made!?!

• Sand Table - Lots of opportunities for sharing toys and interacting in one location

• Water Table 

• Games that could be played together as a team- I Spy Board Game, Balloon Toss, Hide & Seek

5.  Discuss playdate afterwards and celebrate success no matter how small.  Make sure to praise your child for their brave effort and let them know that you were proud of them when they shared a toy, played a game, etc.  Don't put any focus on the fact they they talked or didn't talk.  It will often take several playdates with the same child before they will feel comfortable enough to speak freely.  Ask the child how the situation felt and have them point to it on a scary chart.   See my post about using a Scary Chart.  This will help you and your child figure out what was hard about the playdate and how you can adapt for the next one.

Just like anything, the more opportunities your child has to practice interacting with a friend in a one-on-one playdate setting, the easier they will become. Our son who is now six is able to go off playing at his friends' homes or ours without any structured activities or guidance from me.  The days of awkward playdates are now behind us and they can eventually be behind you.  It is not easy, but if you take the time and put in the effort now to set up one-on-one playdates frequently with these 5 tips in mind, you can help your child form friendships and build confidence that will grow with them.

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

What I discuss in my posts are based soley on our family's experiences and opinions.  I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different experiences and opinions than my own.

National Superhero Day- Celebrating Bravery!

 Just in case you needed another reason to celebrate your child's bravery, no matter how big or small.  Happy National Superhero Day to my two brave little boys and all the brave children all over the world!  #NationalSuperheroDay

New Fidget Toy for Anxiety and SPD?

Has anyone seen these? My nephew had one and now I am seeing them everywhere. They are supposed to help with anxiety and spd?  Not sure how that works, but if you have one, I'd love to know your thoughts.  Distraction?  Beneficial?  

Wise Words Wednesday

Love this quote.  Children with sm have so much to say and share when they are comfortable!  I have found that children with selective mutism often have incredible personalities and are full of imagination.

#1 New Release and Best Seller in Amazon Category!

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who helped in any way to spread the word about my new journal during yesterday's launch!  The journal ended up as the #1 best seller on Amazon in the category of Children’s Diary books and continues there today!  It also became a #1 New Release!  A big victory for brave children everywhere!!  Creating this journal has taken up a lot of time that I would normally dedicate to the blog, but I am hoping to get back to some more regular updates and Books that Build videos next week.  Thank you for all your support!

My Book of Brave is now available on Amazon!!!

The journal I created, My Book of Brave: A Journal for Taking Control of Scary Feelings and Fears is now live on Amazon internationally! Here is a direct link to the book on the US site: My Book of Brave (see other country links below)  It is available for free Prime shipping when you check out. Please help me raise awareness about childhood anxiety and share this post with anyone you think could benefit from this journal.  As a thank you to everyone who has supported me and followed my blog, I am launching the book at $6.99 for today.  Missed the video discussing what is in the journal?  You can view it here. My Book of Brave - description and what's inside  If you purchased a copy, you can redeem your free gift (a pdf of the scary chart that you can cut out, laminate etc. to be hung in a room, put on the refrigerator, carried with you when you are on the go, etc.) by filling out the box on the top right of my blog's homepage. Thanks for helping me spread awareness of childhood anxiety!

Also available at:

Amazon UK - My Book of Brave

Amazon FR

Amazon ES

Amazon IT

My Book of Brave launching tomorrow!!

I am so excited to announce that My Book of Brave: A Journal for Taking Control of Scary Feelings and Fears will be available tomorrow on Amazon. I created something very similar to this for my child when he was at the height of struggling with his selective mutism and sensory processing difficulties. It was only stapled pieces of paper, but it became such an effective tool for him, that I knew one day I wanted to create a true journal to help other children dealing with anxiety in their daily life. I have been working on this for a long time and I am so excited that it will finally be available tomorrow. (I’ll provide a link once it is fully up and running on Amazon in the morning) If you are interested in learning more about it, check out my video to show what the inside includes and how the idea for this journal came about. 

A Home For Bird

A great read for any child, but I think this is an especially sweet story for someone who is struggling with selective mutism.

Why Does Izzy Cover Her Ears? Dealing with Sensory Overload

This week's book deals with SPD. Why Does Izzy Cover her Ears is a book that addresses sensory defensiveness. For some reason, the intro music is not working on my video today, but everything else you can hear.  

Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts

For this Fridays's Books that Build review, I reviewed Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introvertsby Susan Cain.

Click the Youtube icon in bottom right of the video to go to my page and subscribe for future videos.  Here you will also find a link to finding more about this book.

Books that Build- When Lions Roar

For this Fridays's Books that Build review, I reviewed When Lions Roarby Robie H. Harris and illustrated by Chris Raschka.

Each Friday I will be highlighting a book that aims to build courage, character and confidence in children who struggle with selective mutism, sensory processing difficulties, anxiety, or childhood sensitivities and fears.  I will be giving my honest reviews, sharing why the book did or did not go over well with me and my children and then you can decide if it would be helpful to share with your family.  

Click the Youtube icon in bottom right of the video to go to my page and subscribe for future videos.  Here you will also find a link to finding more about this book.

Books that Build - A book review of Maya's Voice

Hi Everyone!  I am so excited to kick off my Books that Build series today.  I will be using each Friday to highlight a book that aims to build courage, character and confidence in children who struggle with selective mutism, sensory processing difficulties, anxiety, or childhood sensitivities and fears.  I will be giving my honest reviews, sharing why the book did or did not go over well with me and my children and then you can decide if it would be helpful to share with your family.  

I decided to try my hand at Youtube and make this into a video series, so you could get a better view of the covers and the illustrations inside.  This is totally out of my comfort zone and I hate seeing myself on video, but my hope is that it will assist you in finding some great books that may be helpful to you/your children!  Click the Youtube icon in bottom right of the video to go to my page and subscribe for future videos.  Here you will also find a link to finding more about this book.

Some inspiration from Dr. Seuss

In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday, a few favorite inspirational quotes!

It is so easy to get intimidated by the thought of speaking in certain environments or working through sensory difficulties.  Start with one small step and overtime with patience and persistence, all the little steps will add up and before you know it, your goal is within reach. You can do it!

A great quote to help us remember to accept ourselves and our children as we/they truly are.  There are good days and bad days when raising a child with special needs, but accepting them for who they truly are and helping them do the same for themselves is the first step toward great things!

The power of books for children with anxiety

Spontaneity does not occur very often in our household.  Sure there are fun surprises here and there, but it is safe to say that we don't jump into new things quickly.  Raising two boys (3 and 6) with sensory sensitivities, with one of them overcoming selective mutism, requires lots of preparation on my part.  New situations and experiences are often very difficult for them.  I have found that preparing my boys ahead of time with discussions on where we are going, who will be there, if it will be loud, what will be expected of them, etc. is essential to preventing a meltdown/shutdown from occurring.

Granted, I know I cannot prepare them for every situation they will encounter, but talking it through and answering their questions helps my boys feel more secure.  One of the most powerful things I have relied on to help me build their confidence and validate their feelings are books.  We have read books to help my son with his selective mutism, sensory challenges, anxiety over the first day of school, visiting the dentist, playdates and the list goes on and on.  Stories play a vital role in the development and growth of a child.  As a mom and a professional with a masters in information science, (specialization in children's literature) I have seen time and time again the power of the right book in the right hands at the right time.  Books provide inspiration, promote curiosity, give children a sense of security, provide characters that they can relate to, and act as a catalyst for further discussion.

Our story of selective mutism and sensory difficulties are documented in this blog, but as I move forward, this blog will become less and less about my family and more about creating awareness and providing resources to help others dealing with sm, spd, and childhood anxiety in general.  Beginning next week, I will be using each Friday to highlight a book on my blog.  It may be related to selective mutism or sensory challenges.  It may be a book that focuses on building confidence in children, especially those with anxiety.  It may be a book for children or occasionally a nonfiction book for adults in this subject area; however the majority will focus on books for children and middle grades, as that is my specialization.  I will be giving my honest reviews, sharing why they did or didn't go over well with my children and then you can decide if it would be helpful to share with your family.

I would love to know what books you have used to help yourself, your child or grandchild through a difficult time with selective mutism, sensory challenges, not fitting in, anxiety, etc.  Please use the contact form to send me a message and I will give you a shout out if I use the book.  My hope is that we can get the right books in the right hands at the right time to build confidence in our children.

Is your son or daughter a highly sensitive child?

Why does my child seem so sensitive to the world around them?  Why do they struggle with transitions?  Why is he /she having meltdowns over the simplest things?  Have you ever asked yourself these same questions? 

When Thomas started his selective mutism treatment at the Smart Center in 2013, I had communicated to his doctor that in addition to his lack of speaking to people outside of the home, he was overwhelmed easily and emotionally intense.   He seemed extremely sensitive to several aspects of his daily life- light, touch, textures, playground equipment, amusement rides etc.   I described him as someone who ‘Didn’t go with the flow’ and seemed to be ‘Scared of everything.’   I also mentioned that everyone who met him always commented on how observant he was and those he was comfortable speaking to were amazed at his advanced vocabulary.  After our first session, Dr. E. recommended a few books for me to read including, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  Reading this book really changed my perspective on everything that my son was going through.   It answered all my questions and more.  I quickly realized my son was a highly sensitive child (HSC) and it was a game changer.

I had never heard the terms highly sensitive person (HSP) or child (HSC), but as I started reading Dr. Aron’s book, it was clear to me that my son was one.  The title isn’t meant to be negative, but rather used simply to describe how a HSP’s nervous system is more highly aware and reactive to stimuli than others. Learning about HSPs cleared up so many questions about why he acted and reacted the way he did.  So many of his sensory processing troubles and “difficult” behavior could be connected back to being highly sensitive.   It was a turning point for me in understanding what my son was experiencing and how I, in turn, interacted with him. 

In reading through this book, my husband and I not only learned more about our son, but also discovered that we ourselves were both HSPs too.  The interesting thing is that according to the author, Dr. Elaine Aron, 15 to 20% of the population is a HSP, but just like selective mutism, it isn’t well known or fully understood by the general population.  I felt like I was slowly fitting all these missing puzzle pieces together to make sense of all the puzzling (no pun intended) behavior my son was exhibiting over the first few years of his life.
 

I am reading this book for the third time now and it is hands down one of the best books I have read in terms of understanding how my son perceives and interacts with the world.  In a society that increasingly seems to be geared toward bigger and better, it can be easy for an HSC to feel out of place and outnumbered.  You can see it trickling down to our children earlier than ever before.  Children are overscheduled with after school activities, sports take up weekends and travel teams are becoming more and more the norm.  Birthday parties are no longer at homes, but at bounce houses and loud activity complexes and classrooms seem to be brighter and louder with SMART board technology and the focus on interactive group participation.  So how do you help your child in a world that overstimulates them?

This book has given my husband and I so many useful tools and strategies to help us make Thomas's environment less overwhelming and I plan to highlight some of these in future posts. Since embracing our son’s sensitivities we have watched him thrive.  We have learned from our missteps and are continuing to learn more about his sensory limits.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that new situations are hard for him and providing down time after a stimulating school day or social event is essential.  I need to remember that he feels things deeply and needs me to be extra patient with him through it all.  Most importantly we need to continue to be his advocate and recognize, appreciate and praise the amazing attributes he has as a HSC, including his compassion, creativity, observant behavior, and loving nature.  

If you/your child has selective mutism and also struggles with sensory processing, is highly emotional and easily overstimulated, I urge you to read this book.  Click the link in the first paragraph or the graphic below to learn more about this wonderful book.  Also check out these HSP tests from the author’s site to find out if you or your child may be highly sensitive.  http://hsperson.com/test/

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

Haircut help?

Okay, so I just saw this pop up in my facebook news feed and am freaking out with excitement! Thomas has always struggled with haircuts, but overtime has been able to tolerate them at a kid's place we go to. It is far away and expensive, so we have been trying for awhile to cut his hair at home with no luck. He can hold it together at the haircut place, but when he is in the company of people he feels completely comfortable with, all bets are off. My husband attempted cutting our boys' hair this summer with his buzzing clippers to save time and money, but it was an BIG fail for Thomas. (See my July 5, 2016 blog post) I am hoping this might be the answer for us! Calming Clipper Haircutting Kit for Sensory Sensitivity, 10 Piece

Quiet Power- a book for kids and teens

So after posting about  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talkingand it's 5 year anniversary yesterday, my friend informed me that the author, Susan Cain, came out with a new edition specifically for kids and teens called  Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts  How perfect is this for our selective mutism and highly sensitive children!!!!  This is now on my "Must read list."

Quiet

Today is the 5th anniversary of the release of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking  I am currently reading this book and can see why it is so popular.  A wonderful book that celebrates introverts and appreciates their value in our world.

8 Myths about Selective Mutism

My son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism (SM), three and a half years ago in 2013, at the age of 3.  We worked on a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment plan with a doctor who specializes in SM. These are the top, most frustrating myths I have encountered through our journey.  These are my opinions as a mom who has read extensively about the subject and helped her son become verbal through CBT, hard work and never giving up hope.  My goal is to raise awareness, clear up misunderstandings and educate parents to get early treatment for SM.  I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different experiences and opinions than my own; however as a mom who has helped her son become verbal in almost all settings, including the classroom, I feel that I have a good understanding of the subject.  

1. Selective mutism is just an intense shyness. 

"He's just shy."  "So and so was quiet like him and he turned out fine" "He'll outgrow it." These types of comments from family members and friends can make someone with SM or someone parenting a child with SM want to explode with anger and frustration.  Sure, selective mutism can look like shyness on the surface, but there is a big difference between the two.  According to the Selective Mutism Association, selective mutism is defined as "A childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's or adolescents' inability to speak in one or more social settings (ex. school, public places, etc) despite being able to speak comfortably in others setting (ex. at home with family)."

When someone is shy, they tend to warm up to new situations like school and classmates over time.  They are able to tell people their needs when truly necessary.  A person with SM can actually feel very comfortable in a situation and truly want to talk, but still be unable to vocalize anything because they are paralyzed by severe anxiety.

2. Selective mutism is on the autism spectrum

I can see why someone who has little to no knowledge about selective mutism could wrongly jump to the conclusion that a child with SM is on the autism spectrum. There are definitely some common behaviors that could be misinterpreted.  Children on the spectrum may have a delay or lack of spoken language.  They may have trouble interacting socially with peers and/or adults and often avoid eye contact.  An appearance of looking shut down can also occur.  The HUGE difference between the autism and selective mutism is that SM is SITUATIONAL.  A child with autism will consistently exhibit these types of behavior no matter the setting; however for a child with SM their level of communication varies from setting to setting depending on the anxiety felt in the specific environment. 

When we were in the early stages of trying to figure out what was going on with my son our pediatrician who had "some" knowledge of SM told me that he was on the autism spectrum.  I knew for sure that this wasn't true.  My son was extremely loving, joyful, cuddly and talkative in his home environment.  He had an abundance of imagination and empathy.  I changed doctors shortly thereafter and never looked back.  

It is so easy to put all your trust in a medical professional and accept what they tell you.  I think it happens all the time and is one of the reasons autism rates have risen so drastically.  It is so crucial to trust your gut, do your research and if you are a parent, be your child's advocate.   

3.  People with selective mutism have a below average intelligence.

It is easy to see how educators could perceive children with SM this way, as standard student evaluation methods often involve verbal participation and test results.  Children with SM can appear to be less intelligent, due to their lack of participation in the classroom and often poor test results due to anxiety.  This is where an IEP or 504 plan that includes accommodations for a more accurate assessment of the child with SM is so important.  One of my favorite quotes is "Not being able to speak is not the same as not having anything to say."  These children have so much knowledge to share.  They take in everything and absorb information, but because of their anxiety, it stays hidden and people make assumptions.  

The first time I realized my son had an issue was during a preschool parent teacher conference.  She gave me his little "report card" and said that his verbal skills could not be evaluated because she never once heard him speak.  She thought he was struggling with language development, when at home we were impressed by his mature vocabulary and ability to recite books by memory!  In my interactions with parents of children diagnosed with selective mutism,  I have heard the same findings from them in the area of their children being highly intelligent.  

4.  Selective mutism is caused by a language impairment

Physically being unable to speak in specific environments does not necessarily mean that a person has a language impairment.  While there can be a speech language issue involved, many children with SM can speak extremely well, when and where they feel comfortable.  My son had a very strong vocabulary from very early on.  Those family members he felt comfortable speaking with always commented on how well he spoke and how mature his vocabulary was for his age.   Selective mutism can develop in part due to a speech issue, but it is, at it's core, an anxiety issue.

5.  Selective mutism is something you outgrow if you wait long enough.

No!  I strongly believe people do not outgrow selective mutism without proper treatment. They might find ways to develop coping mechanisms, but this type of anxiety doesn't just go away and it is not healthy to ignore. Over time it can even lead to a conditioned response of being nonverbal,  Not treating it can lead to other problems including poor self esteem, self confidence, depression, social isolation and so many other psychological issues.   One of the biggest frustrations for me is the lack of understanding most medical professionals have about SM.  Patients/Parents are often misinformed by their doctor and or pediatrician that they/their child is just shy or it is best to wait it out. Early treatment is so key and the longer you wait to treat SM the more difficult it is to overcome.

6. Bribing someone with selective mutism or pressuring them to speak will produce results.

Actually you want to do the exact opposite.  Expectation of speech & focusing on talking actually increases anxiety and reinforce muteness. Anyone who has interaction with someone struggling with SM should be educated to remove all pressure and expectation to speak as a first step. Reducing anxiety and increasing the comfort level has to occur before the possibility of communication will take place.

Before we met with an SM treatment professional, I admit I was guilty of trying to bribe my child to speak in certain situations.  I am positive many other parents, relatives, care takers, friends and educators have done the same as well before they were educated about SM, because it just seems like a natural thing to try.  So many are currently doing this today and will continue to do so until they are correctly informed about the term selective mutism and how to interact with someone with this disorder.  Another reason why spreading awareness is so important!

7. People with selective mutism have experienced a traumatic event or abuse that resulted in them becoming mute.  

Again, it is key to remember that SM is situational.  If a child experienced a traumatic event and became mute as a result, they would most likely be nonverbal in all situations and environments. If someone has selective mutism, their level of communication varies from setting to setting depending on the anxiety felt in the specific environment.  Often times, people only see a child in one setting and therefore falsely assume he or she is like this everywhere.  It is heartbreaking to me, as a parent who loves her children so much, to think that someone could perceive my child's SM as a result of abuse on my part.

According to the Smart Center, where my son went for treatment, the majority of children with selective mutism have a genetic predisposition to anxiety.  There are many different factors that contribute to SM including timid temperament, sensory difficulties, bilingual challenges, and increased expectation.  While a traumatic event or abuse could possibly lead to someone being mute, it is not what causes selective mutism.  

8. Selective mutism is a rare childhood anxiety disorder.

From what I have read, until the mid 90s there was a lack of research of the topic of sm and prevalence rates vary.  On paper, selective mutism may seem like a rare occurence, but I believe the reality is very different. I feel that selective mutism is not as uncommon as it seems, but rather the misunderstandings on the subject leads to misdiagnoses.   Due to a lack of studies and treatment professionals that truly understand selective mutism, I feel that people with SM are often assumed to be just shy, disgnosed with autism, oppositional defiant disorder, etc and then go down the wrong treatment path.  Getting the correct treatment is crucial to overcoming selective mutism which is one of the reasons I am so dedicated to raising awareness, clearing up these misunderstandings and encouraging early treatment of SM.

Please share this to help spread awareness.  Thank you!