Haircut help?

Okay, so I just saw this pop up in my facebook news feed and am freaking out with excitement! Thomas has always struggled with haircuts, but overtime has been able to tolerate them at a kid's place we go to. It is far away and expensive, so we have been trying for awhile to cut his hair at home with no luck. He can hold it together at the haircut place, but when he is in the company of people he feels completely comfortable with, all bets are off. My husband attempted cutting our boys' hair this summer with his buzzing clippers to save time and money, but it was an BIG fail for Thomas. (See my July 5, 2016 blog post) I am hoping this might be the answer for us! Calming Clipper Haircutting Kit for Sensory Sensitivity, 10 Piece

Quiet Power- a book for kids and teens

So after posting about  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talkingand it's 5 year anniversary yesterday, my friend informed me that the author, Susan Cain, came out with a new edition specifically for kids and teens called  Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts  How perfect is this for our selective mutism and highly sensitive children!!!!  This is now on my "Must read list."

Quiet

Today is the 5th anniversary of the release of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking  I am currently reading this book and can see why it is so popular.  A wonderful book that celebrates introverts and appreciates their value in our world.

8 Myths about Selective Mutism

My son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism (SM), three and a half years ago in 2013, at the age of 3.  We worked on a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment plan with a doctor who specializes in SM. These are the top, most frustrating myths I have encountered through our journey.  These are my opinions as a mom who has read extensively about the subject and helped her son become verbal through CBT, hard work and never giving up hope.  My goal is to raise awareness, clear up misunderstandings and educate parents to get early treatment for SM.  I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different experiences and opinions than my own; however as a mom who has helped her son become verbal in almost all settings, including the classroom, I feel that I have a good understanding of the subject.  

1. Selective mutism is just an intense shyness. 

"He's just shy."  "So and so was quiet like him and he turned out fine" "He'll outgrow it." These types of comments from family members and friends can make someone with SM or someone parenting a child with SM want to explode with anger and frustration.  Sure, selective mutism can look like shyness on the surface, but there is a big difference between the two.  According to the Selective Mutism Association, selective mutism is defined as "A childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's or adolescents' inability to speak in one or more social settings (ex. school, public places, etc) despite being able to speak comfortably in others setting (ex. at home with family)."

When someone is shy, they tend to warm up to new situations like school and classmates over time.  They are able to tell people their needs when truly necessary.  A person with SM can actually feel very comfortable in a situation and truly want to talk, but still be unable to vocalize anything because they are paralyzed by severe anxiety.

2. Selective mutism is on the autism spectrum

I can see why someone who has little to no knowledge about selective mutism could wrongly jump to the conclusion that a child with SM is on the autism spectrum. There are definitely some common behaviors that could be misinterpreted.  Children on the spectrum may have a delay or lack of spoken language.  They may have trouble interacting socially with peers and/or adults and often avoid eye contact.  An appearance of looking shut down can also occur.  The HUGE difference between the autism and selective mutism is that SM is SITUATIONAL.  A child with autism will consistently exhibit these types of behavior no matter the setting; however for a child with SM their level of communication varies from setting to setting depending on the anxiety felt in the specific environment. 

When we were in the early stages of trying to figure out what was going on with my son our pediatrician who had "some" knowledge of SM told me that he was on the autism spectrum.  I knew for sure that this wasn't true.  My son was extremely loving, joyful, cuddly and talkative in his home environment.  He had an abundance of imagination and empathy.  I changed doctors shortly thereafter and never looked back.  

It is so easy to put all your trust in a medical professional and accept what they tell you.  I think it happens all the time and is one of the reasons autism rates have risen so drastically.  It is so crucial to trust your gut, do your research and if you are a parent, be your child's advocate.   

3.  People with selective mutism have a below average intelligence.

It is easy to see how educators could perceive children with SM this way, as standard student evaluation methods often involve verbal participation and test results.  Children with SM can appear to be less intelligent, due to their lack of participation in the classroom and often poor test results due to anxiety.  This is where an IEP or 504 plan that includes accommodations for a more accurate assessment of the child with SM is so important.  One of my favorite quotes is "Not being able to speak is not the same as not having anything to say."  These children have so much knowledge to share.  They take in everything and absorb information, but because of their anxiety, it stays hidden and people make assumptions.  

The first time I realized my son had an issue was during a preschool parent teacher conference.  She gave me his little "report card" and said that his verbal skills could not be evaluated because she never once heard him speak.  She thought he was struggling with language development, when at home we were impressed by his mature vocabulary and ability to recite books by memory!  In my interactions with parents of children diagnosed with selective mutism,  I have heard the same findings from them in the area of their children being highly intelligent.  

4.  Selective mutism is caused by a language impairment

Physically being unable to speak in specific environments does not necessarily mean that a person has a language impairment.  While there can be a speech language issue involved, many children with SM can speak extremely well, when and where they feel comfortable.  My son had a very strong vocabulary from very early on.  Those family members he felt comfortable speaking with always commented on how well he spoke and how mature his vocabulary was for his age.   Selective mutism can develop in part due to a speech issue, but it is, at it's core, an anxiety issue.

5.  Selective mutism is something you outgrow if you wait long enough.

No!  I strongly believe people do not outgrow selective mutism without proper treatment. They might find ways to develop coping mechanisms, but this type of anxiety doesn't just go away and it is not healthy to ignore. Over time it can even lead to a conditioned response of being nonverbal,  Not treating it can lead to other problems including poor self esteem, self confidence, depression, social isolation and so many other psychological issues.   One of the biggest frustrations for me is the lack of understanding most medical professionals have about SM.  Patients/Parents are often misinformed by their doctor and or pediatrician that they/their child is just shy or it is best to wait it out. Early treatment is so key and the longer you wait to treat SM the more difficult it is to overcome.

6. Bribing someone with selective mutism or pressuring them to speak will produce results.

Actually you want to do the exact opposite.  Expectation of speech & focusing on talking actually increases anxiety and reinforce muteness. Anyone who has interaction with someone struggling with SM should be educated to remove all pressure and expectation to speak as a first step. Reducing anxiety and increasing the comfort level has to occur before the possibility of communication will take place.

Before we met with an SM treatment professional, I admit I was guilty of trying to bribe my child to speak in certain situations.  I am positive many other parents, relatives, care takers, friends and educators have done the same as well before they were educated about SM, because it just seems like a natural thing to try.  So many are currently doing this today and will continue to do so until they are correctly informed about the term selective mutism and how to interact with someone with this disorder.  Another reason why spreading awareness is so important!

7. People with selective mutism have experienced a traumatic event or abuse that resulted in them becoming mute.  

Again, it is key to remember that SM is situational.  If a child experienced a traumatic event and became mute as a result, they would most likely be nonverbal in all situations and environments. If someone has selective mutism, their level of communication varies from setting to setting depending on the anxiety felt in the specific environment.  Often times, people only see a child in one setting and therefore falsely assume he or she is like this everywhere.  It is heartbreaking to me, as a parent who loves her children so much, to think that someone could perceive my child's SM as a result of abuse on my part.

According to the Smart Center, where my son went for treatment, the majority of children with selective mutism have a genetic predisposition to anxiety.  There are many different factors that contribute to SM including timid temperament, sensory difficulties, bilingual challenges, and increased expectation.  While a traumatic event or abuse could possibly lead to someone being mute, it is not what causes selective mutism.  

8. Selective mutism is a rare childhood anxiety disorder.

From what I have read, until the mid 90s there was a lack of research of the topic of sm and prevalence rates vary.  On paper, selective mutism may seem like a rare occurence, but I believe the reality is very different. I feel that selective mutism is not as uncommon as it seems, but rather the misunderstandings on the subject leads to misdiagnoses.   Due to a lack of studies and treatment professionals that truly understand selective mutism, I feel that people with SM are often assumed to be just shy, disgnosed with autism, oppositional defiant disorder, etc and then go down the wrong treatment path.  Getting the correct treatment is crucial to overcoming selective mutism which is one of the reasons I am so dedicated to raising awareness, clearing up these misunderstandings and encouraging early treatment of SM.

Please share this to help spread awareness.  Thank you!

Wise Words Wednesday

So very true!

5 Ways to Care for Yourself while Caring for your Special Needs Child

"Don’t forget to take care of yourself!"  

You’ve probably heard this a hundred times when discussing your special needs child with others.  So much easier said than done, right?  When I was in the throws of therapy for my then 3 year old son’s selective mutism and taking care of an infant, I hated hearing this.  Where was I supposed to fit in this “me” time?  When I was not feeding, changing or playing with my sons, I was taking my oldest to preschool, grocery shopping, or attempting to clean up breakfast from seven hours ago.  When I had any sort of “me” time after my husband came home or the kids were in bed, I was voraciously reading and researching all I could about selective mutism.   As you can imagine, I burnt out quickly.  I was irritable all the time and knew something had to change. 

Parenting is no easy task, but being an advocate and caring for a special needs child is a whole other level of difficult.  I have learned over time though, cliché as it sounds, that making time for yourself truly does make you a better parent.  It took me a long time to subscribe to this, but with the push of my supportive husband, I started doing something for myself once a week.   I signed up for a Zumba class.  Of course I felt guilty and thought of everything I should be doing with that time, but I couldn’t deny that I loved it once I was finished.  I felt human again.  It was great.  Slowly, I added in a coffee at Panera every once in awhile and it grew from there.

I know you don’t feel like you have the time.  I know it is hard to schedule the time.  I know you could be doing a million other things on your to-do list instead, but I urge you to carve out at least 30 minutes for yourself and see how it feels.  I guarantee you won’t regret it.  Be mindful of your mood.  Are you feeling happy, guilty, stressed?  It may feel odd or selfish doing something for yourself at first, but self care is not selfish.  So go ahead and get that manicure and admire it as you hold your child’s hand through the difficulties they are facing. 

These are the top 5 things that really help me.  Try some of these or create your own list.

       1.  Get out of the house by yourself.  Go anywhere.  Just go!                                                    
Sometimes you just need to remove yourself from the demands of home and the children.  Go for a walk, try a new hobby, check out the mall, wander around Target.  Have you ever been there without kids?  It's magical! Grab a coffee, get ice cream, choose whatever it is you like to eat and enjoy it!
   

      2.  Join a support group, in person or online.  

      No one can understand what you are going through with your child, unless they have been through it.  It is so therapeutic to bounce ideas of others, vent, celebrate successes and be a support for people struggling with the same issues as you.  There is a facebook support group for everything now, so if you use fb, do a search and start there.

    

      3. Exercise.  

I know, I know.  I can see the eye roll now.   I have done the same on numerous occasions.  I completely understand how hard it is to get motivated to do it, but you can’t deny how great you feel afterwards.  It is a great way to reduce stress and stay healthy.  It doesn’t have to be at a gym.  Find a type of exercise you love and do that.

 4.       Schedule a date night with your spouse.  

It is so easy to take our partners for granted and forget that a relationship needs work.   Sure you might end up talking about the kids most of the time, but scheduling that one on one time is so important for connecting with each other.  It doesn’t have to be fancy.  You don’t even have to leave the house.   Have a late dinner together after the kids are in bed or set aside one night each week to watch your favorite show or a movie together. 

5.       Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.  

It is so easy to get caught up in the negative, but there is so much that each of us has to be thankful for.   Focus on being mindful and appreciating the good things in your day ….. the sun shining, a warm house, a snuggle with your child.  

Wise Words Wednesday

One of my favorite quotes!  So true for anyone dealing with selective mutism and sensory processing difficulties.

What's your #oneword2017?

I stumbled across the hashtag #oneword2017 the other day as I was trying to navigate the Twitter world that I recently signed up for, and I have to say that I love the idea behind it!  Have you heard of this?  It is sort of like an un-resolution for the year.  Instead of trying to make resolutions that often get quickly broken in the first month or so, you pick one word that will be a sort of mantra to guide you in your daily life and give you clarity and focus throughout the year.  I just loved the idea and after thinking about it for awhile, this year my word is INSPIRE.

I want to inspire my children to be the best they can be each day.

I want to seek opportunities to inspire others through my words and actions.

I want to inspire those who follow this blog and also myself to dream big, work hard and never give up hope for themselves and/or their loved ones dealing with selective mutism and/or spd.

Happy New Year- 2017 Goals for the Other Side of Silence

Happy New Year Everyone! What are your goals for this year in regards to helping yourself or your loved ones with their selective mutism and/or sensory processing challenges? Here are my goals for this blog and our facebook community site: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1677892492524783/

2017 Goals for the Other Side of Silence