Update!

Update!

Hi everyone! I know I have been absent on this blog since the start of fall and I wanted to update you on what has been going on.

This blog was created a few years back to document our family's journey with Selective Mutism.  Since my son was diagnosed 4 years ago at the age of 3, we have learned so much and have experienced the incredible highs and lows of parenting a child with SM.  With the help of the Smart Center, supportive school teachers and staff, my husband and I working hard every single day to advocate for our son, and most of all our son's brave efforts,  I am proud to say that Thomas has truly conquered his Selective Mutism!  Sure, he still has anxiety about certain things, but he is now verbal in all settings- at school, with peers and adults, at stores, restaurants, on sports fields, and so on. 

Even though our PERSONAL journey with Selective Mutism is coming to an end, it does not by any means imply that I am done helping others with their SM journey.  Over the years, I have had the opportunity to speak with so many wonderful families who are trying to figure out how to best help their children with SM.  They have the same questions and fears that we did when we started out and over time I began to see a common theme in several of these children.  The majority of them could be described as "highly sensitive."

What does it mean to be "Highly Sensitive?"

High Sensitivity is a biological trait that 15 to 20 percent of children are born with.  It is not a flaw, weakness or disorder.  A highly sensitive person feels things deeply, tends to notice more in their environment, is easily overstimulated and reflects on things intently before acting.  They are often incredibly observant, cautious and overstimulated more easily by sensory input in their environment, such as bright lights, smells, crowds and loud noises.   


Highly sensitive people are very in tune with the emotions and feelings of others around them, as well. They take in the feelings of people and often have very strong emotional reactions.  Due to the fact that they feel and process things more deeply, downtime is very important. They need to be able to remove themselves from others and environments that overstimulate them.  This allows them to recharge and is essential to their well-being.

When Thomas started his Selective Mutism treatment at the Smart Center in 2013, I had communicated to his doctor that in addition to his lack of speaking to people outside of the home, he was overwhelmed easily and emotionally intense.   He seemed extremely sensitive to several aspects of his daily life- light, touch, textures, loud noises, scary scenes in tv shows/movies, playground equipment, amusement rides etc.   I described him as someone who ‘Didn’t go with the flow’ and seemed to be ‘Scared of everything.’   I also mentioned that everyone who met him always commented on how observant he was and those he was comfortable speaking to were amazed at his advanced vocabulary.  After our first session, our treatment professional recommended a few books for me to read including, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  (Affiliate link) Reading this book really changed my perspective on everything that my son was going through.   It answered all my questions and more.  I quickly realized my son was a highly sensitive child (HSC) and it was a game changer.

What's Next

Figuring out that Thomas was highly sensitive answered many questions I had and provided me with a better understanding of how to help my son with his SM. Just like Selective Mutism, the term 'Highly sensitive' is not widely known and it is so misunderstood!  In my pursuit to help other families in their SM journey, I have created the site, The Highly Sensitive Child, which aims to help parents understand and appreciate their highly sensitive children (HSCs). If you feel that your child with Selective Mutism may be highly sensitive, I strongly encourage you to check out what it has to offer.  It focuses more on younger children, since this is my experience, but there may be some information that could be relevant for teens as well.

This personal blog, The Other Side of Silence, will still be here for you to access.  It tells of our journey with SM and I intend to keep this up as a reference to help other families with the same questions and struggles.  I will no longer be adding to this site, as it was a personal journey of how my son overcame SM.  Since overcoming SM is no longer a part of our daily personal journey, there is nothing new to add. However, this does not mean that I am done helping other families going through the same challenges we went through.  

My new site, The Highly Sensitive Child, focuses more on educating and advising parents with HSCs and those struggling with SM, rather than sharing a personal story.  I really hope you will visit to learn more.

Is your Child Highly Sensitive? 

I am curious as to how many of you feel that your child with Selective Mutism may also be highly sensitive?   Have you ever heard of the term before?  If you feel that this may apply to your child, I encourage you to check out my site- The Highly Sensitive Child.and and join our Facebook community Parents of Highly Sensitive Children, where you will join a growing community of other parents working to understand and help their highly sensitive kids. Share your story, ask questions, and get feedback from parents going through the same challenges as you. 

Have any questions, comments, or concerns?  Please feel free to contact me at thehighlysensitivechild@gmail.com

  

Get Loud with Lemonade!

Recently on a Selective Mutism Facebook group that I am a part of, a woman posted that her daughter was starting a "Get Loud with Lemonade" Project to raise money for the Selective Mutism Association. She was not only raising money through her stand, but also encouraging other children with SM to set up their own lemonade stand to practice their bravery and raise awareness.  What an amazing idea!  My boys love to sell lemonade in the summer, so I knew that they would be excited about this project!  I thought it would be a great way to spread awareness locally and help my oldest practice speaking with people he was not familiar with. When I told them about it, they wanted to start right away!

The boys received a make your own lemonade stand for their birthday and so they went to work coloring and setting up the stand.  At first Thomas's younger brother was the only one yelling "Lemonade for sale!" Thomas didn't feel quite comfortable enough to yell it at first, but by the end he was screaming along with him.  He easily talked with the neighbors.  He told them how much the lemonade was and was able to say thank you.  We had a few delivery men and lawn care workers stop by as well, which proved harder for Thomas to converse with, since he did not know them.  Overall though, it was a big success.  Thomas had some new opportunities to practice his talking and handover/takeover skills, while spreading awareness of a great cause.  We raised $14 for the Selective Mutism Association!  I encourage you to "Get Loud with Lemonade" and share your experience as well!  Check out the map below with the states where kids are already getting involved.

 Kids and parents in fourteen states ( so far) have hosted lemonade stands and donated the money to the Selective Mutism Association or made a donation of some kind. They've raised a combined total of $540.00 so far with more still coming in! It will ALL go to the Selective Mutism Association to help spread awareness.  Check out the Get Loud with Lemonade Facebook Group to learn more about the creators of this project and to post your own Get Loud with Lemonade pics!

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

Start the school year off right!

As summer starts to come to a close, (sigh) our focus as parents begins to shift towards back to school preparation. While you are making sure your children get all the supplies on their school list, you are probably getting a little nervous about how the transition into the new school year will go for your child with Selective Mutism. As a mom who has been there, I have created a free printable of the 10 strategies (in detail)  that I use each year to help the difficult transition of new schedules, teachers and classmates go as smooth as possible for children with SM.  Get the school year off to a successful start with my FREE printable 10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

How to Advocate for your Child with Selective Mutism Like a Boss!

As a parent, it can be very difficult to see your child struggling with anxiety and the inability to speak in one or more select social settings.  You want to help them, but you are probably at a loss when it comes to where to start and what will be most effective in helping them progress.   I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling.  Having researched and discovered that your child fits the diagnostic criteria for selective mutism, (the ability to speak in at least one setting, but being mute in at least one other setting) you have already begun the journey of being your child’s advocate. Great job!

I created this list to give other parents/caregivers specific ways to be an advocate for their child with SM and spread awareness, starting today!  Do each of these things with persistence and never give up hope.    My son is now verbal in all settings due to his hard work, myself being a persistent advocate for him and a good treatment plan.  In no particular order of importance, here are 12 ways that you too can become an advocate for your child and help them toward become verbal in all settings.  

1.   Acceptance.  There must be acceptance from caregivers before any progress can be made. Accept your child’s selective mutism.  Do not bribe or force them to talk.  Remove all pressures and expectations to speak.  This helps your child feel understood that it is difficult and scary for them to speak.  Make sure that they know you love them and are proud of them. Hearing this from you will help decrease some anxiety and be the starting point for progress.

2.  Find a treatment professional for your child that SPECIALIZES in SM.  I cannot stress this enough.  They will also be an advocate for your child and can help communicate your child’s needs to their school.  Many offer teleconferences after an initial consult if you live far from a treatment facility.  We went to the Smart Center in Pennsylvania.

3. Get an IEP or at least a 504 plan for your child and come prepared for the meeting. Be diplomatic but persistent if they suggest your child doesn’t need one.  Bring your A game! Knowledge is power. Most school staff are vaguely familiar with SM, if at all.  Bring literature from your treatment professional that correctly defines SM and materials about the need for an IEP for an SM child.  Be ready to discuss areas that your child struggles in and your main points of concern for the classroom – education wise and socially with peers.  If they have a good friend in the same grade, make sure that they can be in the same class.

4.   Educate yourself, so you can educate others who interact with your child.  Read books about SM and share them.  It is so important to educate yourself and others who interact with your child.  Have your husband read them, your parents, your in-laws, etc.  When you go to your IEP meeting bring one or two books that you feel are the best to share with next year’s teacher, the child study team and whoever else is working with your child.  I have listed some of my favorite selective mutism books at the bottom of the Books section of my blog.

5. Schedule playdates/get-togethers with classmates who might be compatible.  Ask the teacher for recommendations on what classmates’ personalities are most compatible with your child.  Get out the school directory and email or call those parents to set up playdates with planned activities for younger children or a get-together to do something of a common interest for older children.  One-on-one playdates with no pressure to speak are extremely important.  There is significantly less pressure in a one-on-one situation than with a group.  A friendship and comfort can be built through several playdates and when the child feels comfortable enough, speech can occur.  Overtime, it can lead to more comfort in the classroom if they have a friend in the same class.  See my post on 5 Tips for a Successful Selective Mutism Playdate.

6. Step out of your comfort zone.  Advocating for your child will most likely take you a bit out of your comfort zone.  If you are more of an introverted person, get ready to take a giant leap outside of it.  It will most likely feel difficult and awkward at times to stand up and voice what is needed for your child, but trust me all your brave efforts will benefit your child immensely and will probably help you feel much more confident as well. 

7. Stop caring so much about what people think.  This is hard, I know.  People are going to judge.  I have been called overprotective several times, but in 10 years, 5 years or even 1, am I really going to care what they thought?  My #1 priority is my child and making sure he is getting the help and support that he needs.  Keep your focus on your child and what's best for them.  Trust your instinct.

8. Bring a skeptic family member to a session with your treatment professional.  It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful when a family member doesn’t accept what your child is going through or misunderstands it.  It is also very hard to effectively communicate what your child is going through without emotions getting in the way.  If they interact with your child on a fairly regular basis, you may want to invite them to an appointment.  Sometimes being able to observe a session and hear the information straight from a professional carries more weight for people.  If they have a better understanding, it will benefit your child.  

9.  Stop focusing on what your child can’t do and focus on what they can!  Find their strengths and interests.  Do they enjoy a specific sport?  Get them involved on a team.  Just make sure you speak with the coach about their SM prior to practices.  Not a fan of sports?  Maybe they would enjoy scouting.  Are they interested in Legos or a specific game? Find a lego club or start your own club.  They may not be able to be verbal in class, but maybe they enjoy writing or drawing.  Encourage them to draw and write stories, attend an art class or start a journal.  My Book of Brave is a journal that I created for my son and others dealing with anxiety.  It has been a very effective tool for him.  Whatever their interest, get them involved in something they enjoy.  This will focus on their strengths and help build their confidence.  Selective Mutism does not define them!

10.    Make sure you, yourself have support.  Being an advocate for a child with SM can be very rewarding, but also overwhelming and draining at times.  Make sure you take time for yourself and get the support you need, so that you can be there for your child.  Talk to your treatment professional about putting you in contact with another parent from their office who is in the same situation or join an selective mutism facebook group.  It is so refreshing to talk with other people who understand exactly what you are going through.

I hope that these tips will encourage and inspire you.  You CAN do this!!!  Please share this post with anyone who you think could benefit from these tips.  Thank you!

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

 

5 tips for a successful selective mutism playdate

Before we figured out that Thomas had selective mutism, we had some pretty bad playdates.  Thomas would often be excited for his friend to come over, but once they did, he would shut down, have a meltdown or often just go to his room and shut the door, leaving me with the other parent and their child. Awkward! Needless to say I did not like having playdates.  It wouldn't be until we went to a place that specialized in treating sm that I realized how important one-on-one playdates were for helping children develop friendships and become verbal with peers.  I also learned that there were actual strategies you could use for playdates to help make it go as smoothly as possible.

When we began treatment for Thomas's selective mutism, one of the first things we were told was to implement one-on-one playdates with children from his preschool.  Of the many things that were involved with his sm cognitive behavioral therapy program, playdates were what I particularly struggled with. At the time we were in a private preschool twenty minutes from our home where we dropped off, picked up and rarely interacted with other parents from the class.  The first thing that popped into my brain was how would I not only strike up conversations about having playdates with moms I did not know during the chaotic pick up and drop off, but then also invite these strangers and their child over to my house.  Did I mention I also had a newborn who was all of 3 months old at the time!   The whole thing was completely out of my comfort zone, but I realized quickly that a lot of the cognitive behavioral therapy that needed to be done with Thomas would force me past my comfort zone and I needed to accept that.  Besides we were asking Thomas to step WAY out of his comfort zone, so there was no question that I would do the same thing as his advocate.  

We started having playdates about once a week.  Some were harder than others, but over time they really got better and somewhere along the line we both stopped dreading them.  Having these playdates really helped Thomas at school, because he now had formed friendships through the playdates that carried over to the classroom, lunchroom and playground.  Almost 4 years later and fully verbal, Thomas has lots of playdates at our house and also at friends' homes.  There was a time when I thought he would never be able to go to someone's house without me, so it is so wonderful to see him thriving and having a few really close friends.  I really feel that one-on-one playdates helped him practice his social skills, develop friendships and boost his confidence.  Here are my top 5 tips for helping your child with selective mutism have a successful playdate.

1. Seek children with a compatible personality This is true for any playdate, but it is especially important for a child with selective mutism.  My first plan of action for helping my son was to speak to the teacher and teacher's aide to get a recommendation on which children in the classroom would be a good fit for Thomas. Did they share a love for trains?  Did they interact nonverbally together in the class?    Were their temperments the same?  That was the easy part.  The hard part was walking up to the parents of these children who I only greeted in passing to discuss the idea of a playdate.  I was able to ask to parents this way, but I found that emailing them (we had everyone's email address on a parent info sheet) was a great way to explain our situation and what we were doing to help our son.  The parents were very understanding and were actually excited to have their children get some one on one time with another classmate as well.

2. Hold the playdate in the home environment.  As hard as setting up a playdate was, not knowing how the playdate would go was even more stressful.  After all my effort, would Thomas have a meltdown? Refuse to interact?  We were told by Thomas's selective mutism doctor that the home environment was the ideal place to do playdates, because he was most comfortable there and we could control the environment (no loud noises, crowds, or other things that gave Thomas anxiety).  The few times we had met a playdate at a children's play place, Thomas would refuse to interact and the other child would end up playing with some other kid the whole time.  Once Thomas had a lot of playdates at home and was doing well with them, we began having playdates outside the home.   

3.  Have ZERO expectation for speech.  This is so important and often where parents, grandparents, teachers, and friends go wrong.  Children with sm are very aware that they are unable to talk in certain situations and are extremely aware of when people are expecting them to speak.  The irony is that the more you expect or want a child with selective mutism to speak, the more they will feel that expectation and have increased anxiety, and therefore shut down.  It's a vicious cycle.  When you are having playdates with your child's peer and their parent (your peer), you want them to see how fun and amazing your child can be and expectations can run high.  The more you push, the more they'll shut down, so do your best to relax and not worry about what your child is or is not doing.  Make sure all adults involved know that there should be zero expectation as well.  

4.  Have a planned activity/activities.  A planned activity takes the pressure off the child to come up with something to do with the guest.  It takes the focus off of talking and puts it on the activity. We had a lot of success once we began implementing this strategy.  Of course nothing always goes as planned.  Guests sometimes didn't want to do a specific activity, which is why my son and I would discuss a few different ones he liked prior to their arrival and then let our guest choose.  Something we were told over and over again during treatment was that a child has to be comfortable in their environment before speech can even be attempted by a child with sm.  Often activities that involved a lot of hand over/ take over tasks, team work or silliness would end up taking the pressure off my son and he would occasionally say a few words.  I do caution that a planned activity should not involve toys that your child is protective of and might get upset sharing.  We learned quickly to put away favorite toys before a playdate came over to avoid anxiety and meltdowns.  Some playdate activities that worked really well for my preschool son at the height of his sm were:

• Baking- What kid doesn't love eating something yummy that they made!?!

• Sand Table - Lots of opportunities for sharing toys and interacting in one location

• Water Table 

• Games that could be played together as a team- I Spy Board Game, Balloon Toss, Hide & Seek

5.  Discuss playdate afterwards and celebrate success no matter how small.  Make sure to praise your child for their brave effort and let them know that you were proud of them when they shared a toy, played a game, etc.  Don't put any focus on the fact they they talked or didn't talk.  It will often take several playdates with the same child before they will feel comfortable enough to speak freely.  Ask the child how the situation felt and have them point to it on a scary chart.   See my post about using a Scary Chart.  This will help you and your child figure out what was hard about the playdate and how you can adapt for the next one.

Just like anything, the more opportunities your child has to practice interacting with a friend in a one-on-one playdate setting, the easier they will become. Our son who is now six is able to go off playing at his friends' homes or ours without any structured activities or guidance from me.  The days of awkward playdates are now behind us and they can eventually be behind you.  It is not easy, but if you take the time and put in the effort now to set up one-on-one playdates frequently with these 5 tips in mind, you can help your child form friendships and build confidence that will grow with them.

10 Strategies to Help Your Child with Selective Mutism Transition into the New School Year

What I discuss in my posts are based soley on our family's experiences and opinions.  I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different experiences and opinions than my own.

National Superhero Day- Celebrating Bravery!

 Just in case you needed another reason to celebrate your child's bravery, no matter how big or small.  Happy National Superhero Day to my two brave little boys and all the brave children all over the world!  #NationalSuperheroDay

New Fidget Toy for Anxiety and SPD?

Has anyone seen these? My nephew had one and now I am seeing them everywhere. They are supposed to help with anxiety and spd?  Not sure how that works, but if you have one, I'd love to know your thoughts.  Distraction?  Beneficial?  

Wise Words Wednesday

Love this quote.  Children with sm have so much to say and share when they are comfortable!  I have found that children with selective mutism often have incredible personalities and are full of imagination.

#1 New Release and Best Seller in Amazon Category!

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who helped in any way to spread the word about my new journal during yesterday's launch!  The journal ended up as the #1 best seller on Amazon in the category of Children’s Diary books and continues there today!  It also became a #1 New Release!  A big victory for brave children everywhere!!  Creating this journal has taken up a lot of time that I would normally dedicate to the blog, but I am hoping to get back to some more regular updates and Books that Build videos next week.  Thank you for all your support!

My Book of Brave is now available on Amazon!!!

The journal I created, My Book of Brave: A Journal for Taking Control of Scary Feelings and Fears is now live on Amazon internationally! Here is a direct link to the book on the US site: My Book of Brave (see other country links below)  It is available for free Prime shipping when you check out. Please help me raise awareness about childhood anxiety and share this post with anyone you think could benefit from this journal.  As a thank you to everyone who has supported me and followed my blog, I am launching the book at $6.99 for today.  Missed the video discussing what is in the journal?  You can view it here. My Book of Brave - description and what's inside  If you purchased a copy, you can redeem your free gift (a pdf of the scary chart that you can cut out, laminate etc. to be hung in a room, put on the refrigerator, carried with you when you are on the go, etc.) by filling out the box on the top right of my blog's homepage. Thanks for helping me spread awareness of childhood anxiety!

Also available at:

Amazon UK - My Book of Brave

Amazon FR

Amazon ES

Amazon IT