The best gift I could ever receive!

Every year in November, the children at Thomas's school start practicing for the holiday concert and every year it brings on a trememdous amount of anxiety for him.  When he was three and at the height of his selective mutism, he refused to go on stage to practice and his fear of doing this concert created such bad separation anxiety at preschool, that we decided he would not be a part of the concert.  Normally I am against puilling him out of things, as I feel he needs to learn how to work through his challenges, but at three we felt this was something he could try next year when we had a year of treatment under our belt.  I was sad for him to be missing out on the experience, but it really was the best decision for him at the time.

When he was four, his new preschool was not involved in the holiday concert.  Whew!  We dodged a bullet that year.  Then came kindergarten and the anxiety crept back up.  He was now two years older and better able to manage his anxiety.  He loved singing the songs at home, but told us that it was too scary to sing on stage.  We made it clear that we were proud of him for being brave enough to try and go up on stage and if he didn't sing that was totally fine.  He was able to go on stage in front of a large crowd, which was a huge step.  He did not sing, or smile or move, but he did ring a jingle bell by his side slightly for one song.  We made sure he knew how proud we were of him for trying his best.  You could tell he was proud too and his confidence grew just from the experience of being brave enough to get up there.  

This year in first grade, he was coming home singing the songs and telling us how excited he was about the concert.  I was pleasantly surprised: although there have been many times that he was excited about something right up until the minute it was about to happen and then would shut down, so I didn't get my hopes up at all.  The night of the concert, I had my video camera ready to tape a frozen child who wanted more than anything to sing and move, but his anxiety just wouldn't let him.  When his class came on, I felt the familiar nervous feeling come over me, as it always does when my son is put in a situation that makes him uncomfortable.  I always feel so sad for him, but also so proud of his bravery for trying.  Well, tonight something completely unexpected happened.  Thomas SANG and did the MOVEMENTS in front of about 100 parents, grandparents and kids.  I could barely breathe.  I thought I would faint.  I could see it happening but could not believe it!  I didn't even get to video tape it as I was in shock and bursting with pride for him.  For years, I dreamt of this moment and it was here! I don't think anything can ever top the feeling I felt that night.  When I saw him afterwards, I was a teary mess and couldn't stop telling him how proud I was.  I received THE best Christmas gift I could ever ask for and it came 3 weeks early.  I don't need anything else!  Never give up!!!  

Oh and someone was nice enough to send me a video of it.  I cannot figure out how to get video on here, but I will post it when I do :)  Truly amazing!

An attitude of gratitude- my 30 day challenge

I had been hearing a lot lately about the power of having an attitude of gratitude.  It is way too easy to get caught up and focus in on the things that are wrong in our life, but what about all the things that are right!  As a mom to children with sensory processing issues and one with selective mutism, it is easy to ask "Why me?" and focus on what is going wrong on those days where EVERYTHING is a struggle.  Can positive thinking really change how you preceive things?  I decided to become intentional with this and so I took on a 30 month gratitude challenge and started a gratitude journal.

What a better month to focus on this than November, a month where we focus on our blessing and giving thanks. I got a journal and each night before bed, I thought about my day and wrote down atleast 3 things that I was thankful for that day.  I also wrote down the best moment of my day and then some of the challenges I faced and what I am learning from them.  Some days were easier than others.  We went to Disney for a week with my family, where it was pretty easy to find things to write about, but then two days after we got back, my dad had to be helicopter to the city for an unexpected emergency heart surgery that 9 out of 10 people do not survive.  We were told that there was a good chance he might not survive and it was devastating.  Those nights were a lot harder, but I still wrote in the journal and you know what?  Prayer and having that positive attitude really helped me through and allowed me to take things day by day instead of focusing on all that was wrong.  My dad made it through his surgery and even though he is still in the hospital on the long road to recovery, he is going to be okay.

After a few days of journaling, I started looking for things during my day that I was thankful for, so that I could remember them for my journal.  I would pause to take in the moment and appreciate it, when in the past I probably wouldn't have given it much thought.  Things like snuggling my son on the couch, my warm cup of tea, getting a big hug from my youngest when I was crying about my dad, spending time talking with a friend, and watching my son's silent bravery as he ordered his food at a restaurant all became more meaningful.  It helped me to recognize the little things, which made me feel more happy, thus more grateful.

I honestly didn't think doing this journal would have any effect on my thinking, but in just a few days it was easy to see the power of positive thinking.  Gratitude really shifts your mindset and can be such a positive tool.  I encourage you to try it yourself, especially in the day to day struggles you may be facing with selective mutism and sensory processing in your life or someone's you love.

Tips for the holidays -part 1 (Holiday get togethers)

The holidays can be a challenging time for anyone, but for a child with sm it can be extremely difficult. The change in routine, new settings, unfamiliar faces asking questions, relatives wanting pictures, and increased expectation from unfamiliar family and friends can easily lead to meltdowns from them and you as a parent.  I've been there and it's not pretty.  You try to figure out how to best help your child, while fielding questions from family and friends who mean well but just don't get it. You get frustrated with relatives, yourself and even your child.  Here are some tips I have learned over time that have helped with holiday get togethers.

1.  Arrive early.  Allow for warm up time.  It will be easier for your child to get used to a new environment before the home fills with people and noise.  Talk with your host beforehand to make sure this is okay.  More often than not, when given notice, a host/hostess is more than happy to comply.

2.  Get your child involved without the need to speak.  Bringing a gift for the host/hostess?  Ask your child ahead of time to hand it to them when they arrive.  Have them pass things at the table or hand over some of the toys they bring to show others which brings me to tip 3.....

3.  Bring props!  Have your child bring a backpack full of some of their favorite toys. My son would never answer personal questions, but after having time to warm up, he would often answer questions about his favorite Thomas the Tank train or book.  The focus is on the prop and not them, therefore decreasing anxiety.

4. Be prepared with common questions. Your child is going to get asked them.  What's your name?  How old are you?  What grade are you in?  What do you want for Christmas? Whatever you can foresee, prepare them for it. Go over these questions with your child so that they are confident answering them.  If this is too much for them, help them by giving them a choice when asked.  Thomas, are you 3 or 4?  If this is too big of a challenge for your child at the time, make flash cards with the answers to show/handover to the person asking the question.  Make it a fun activity for them and have them decorate the cards.

5. Lower your expectations. Unfamiliar settings and people are bound to cause anxiety for the child with sm.   Relax and try not to get too upset about others misunderstandings regarding your child.  Unless you live it, you won't get fully get it.  Educate them the best you can, prepare your child, be there for them and oh have some fun!!!

Bathtub fingerpainting

Is your child unable to tolerate having messy hands?  Do they freak out the second an unpleasant texture touches their little fingers?  Mine too!  Both of my children had/have tactile defensiveness/hypersensitivity. My oldest who is now 6 has overcome this for the most part through OT and also better coping mechanisms as he grows, but my youngest who is now 3 is extremely resistant to things on his hands.  Forget messy art, painting hands, sticky or dirty play and fingerpainting.

I am always trying to figure out ways to expose my boys to messy sensory play without pushing them past their threshold.  It is a very fine line.  So when I stumbled upon some bathtub fingerpaint at the dollar section of Target the other day, I immediately thought this might be a great activity for bath time.  Now, normally I stay as far away from fingerpainting products as possible, as trying them in the past has been unpleasant to say the least.  Usually my youngest will immediately scream and wipe it off on whatever he sees first, his clothes, the wall, his hair.  When I saw the bathtub fingerpaint, I thought this has to have been thought up by an SPD mom.  I mean a child can put the messy texture on their hands and if they don't like it they can just stick their hand under the water to wash it off, plus it's soap too... Genius!

So I bought a tube and cautiously introduced it at bath time the other night.  To my surprise they were both very receptive to the idea of bath fingerpaint and were actually excited to try it.  My youngest let me squirt it on his hand and massage it into his hand a little before he washed it off.   Once his hand was clean, he asked for more and he started FINGERPAINTING on the bathtub wall.  What!?!?  I was so excited.  He would use one finger and sometimes his whole hand to swirl it around and paint the wall.  He'd wash his hand and ask for more.  We went through the entire tube during one bath time!

I think I will be trying some other sensory play activities in the bath tub from now on where my boys can feel more in control of getting the mess off their hands with a tub of water.  Have you ever had success with sensory play once you switched it to a new location?  I'd love to hear about it!

It's Everyone's Halloween

We are all familiar with the challenges our children face at Halloween.  Here is a great reminder to share with others to make them more aware.

Worry Eaters

A range of stuffed animal characters who like nothing more than feasting on children's worries or nightmares.... um yes please!  My first thought when I saw this product was 'Genius! Why didn't I think of that!'  My second thought, 'How perfect would this be for Thomas and other children suffering from anxiety.' I bought one immediately.

Thomas loved the silly looking thing, but was a little hesitant to say his fear out loud, unzip the worry eater and put the paper inside his mouth, but once he got over the initial hesitation, he thought it was hilarious.  We have had our worry eater for about 8 months now and I have to say, he has eaten his share of worries and I have learned a lot!  It has helped me understand more of his specific worries, since I help him write them down.  It has also helped him feel like his worry has been understood by me and sometimes he is even willing to have a discussion about it.  Of course, it is not going to always "cure" the worry, but it can help children to feel the worry has been acknowledged and given to someone else to worry about- kind of like a waste bin for your problems!

We usually go on with life and forget about the worry eater for a while. Yesterday when we were playing with some of his stuffed animals together, I noticed there was a paper in there.  We pulled it out and it was from the beginning of September.  It read, 'I am afraid to play soccer.'

"Mom I'm not afraid to play soccer now.  I love it!"  Thomas said loudly.  He couldn't believe that he was so scared in the beginning of the season.  It led to a discussion about how trying new things can be scary, but overtime you may realize that it is something you like, yada, yada, yada.  You get the point.  Some critics think it encourages children to dwell on their anxieties, but I disagree.  I feel that it empowers children to say their worries out loud and in a way tell the worry that 'You are not going to have control over me.'

Thomas brought his to show-n-tell last last school year and the teacher came up to me after school to tell me that it was a HUGE hit with the kids.  The next day two parents approached me to say their child was telling them all about Thomas's worry eater too.  We often forget that children have worries just like adults and this little monster has not only been a fun toy for Thomas, but also a great coping tool.

After School Meltdowns

As I have mentioned before, picking up Thomas at the end of the school day is not always a pleasant experience.  I am often greeted by a frown and whining right out of the gate.  The moment we are out of sight and earshot of other people, the meltdowns start.  Every little thing becomes a big ordeal and he is easily irritated by his little brother, who takes complete advantage of this.  Last year I contacted his teacher about his after school meltdowns to see if there was something going on at school that was bothering him or that he was having trouble with during the day.  She informed me that she could not think of anything that would cause this and in fact "he had been very happy and pleasant" that week.

My thoughts have always been that he is probably trying so hard to hold it together during the day, as he struggles to adapt to sensory challenges like loud noises, bright lights and other things that cause overstimulation for him in the classroom.  Plus the fact that certain situations are still scary to him with his selective mutism. He is probably working harder than anyone to get through his day, so although it is frustrating, I understand why it is probably happening.  They are going to save their meltdowns for the people they love and trust the most.  As his mom, he knows that he can be himself and trust that I will love him no matter what.

I recently stumbled upon this article, which gives some great tips for coping with after school meltdowns if you are experiencing the same thing with your child/children.

How to Cope With After-School Meltdowns

Food Box Grid

I have gotten several questions regarding (for lack of a better word) the food box grid that we have been using with great success for Liam's food sensitivities.  (October 11th blog post)  It is such a simple thing, yet it would have never occured to me to do this on mine own if the OT hadn't shown it to me.  He doesn't have severe eating issues in regards to textures, but it did get to the point where he was gagging and throwing up at almost every dinner with his meat and other soft textures, so we are giving it a try.  This might not work for a lot of people, but I thought it was worth sharing as an option to try.

I take a piece of construction paper and draw 8 boxes (four on each side) then start at the bottom squares with non-preferred food.  In this picture, it's chicken.  Then a preferred food- peppers.  Yes, my three year old gags on pizza, chicken nuggets and grilled cheese, but loves peppers :)  I always make sure the food is in small bite size pieces, which he doesn better with.  We start at the bottom with the first column.  If he eats a piece of chicken, he gets a pepper.  We repeat and refill the squares until he no longer wants to do it.  He is pretty good about not trying to go right for the pepper, but we definitely have to sit with him to make sure this doesn't happen.  Dinner takes a lot longer this way, but he is eating it.   I think part of it is the fact that it is not a large quantity of chicken at one time like it would be on a plate.  Maybe that visual is too overwhelming to him.  This way he only gets four small bites of a non-preferred food at a time.  My plan is to laminate a few charts, so I don't have to keep creating new ones each night.  I'd love to hear if it helps your child.  Send me a message through the "Contact Me" box and let me know!

Scary Chart

I am not sure if I posted about this in the past, but we use a "Scary Chart" with Thomas to help him give words to his feelings and to acknowledge them.  We used to use this chart several times a day, and it was part of our bedtime routine every night, but now we just use it as needed.   It has been a very powerful tool for Thomas that helps him have control over his feelings.

When Thomas would play one of our cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) games, interact with a peer, wave, be asked a question by a stranger, or basically any other interaction,  we would ask him in private how it felt on his scary chart and explain each feeling to him.... Not scary, a little scary, scary or super scary.  He would either point to the one or verbally tell me.  Then I'd ask him how we could work together to make it less scary next time.  A lot of times he would just say "I don't know," but as he got older he would sometimes give suggestions.

The scary chart is kept in his room now and is a tool we still use with him.  As you can see from the picture, it is much loved!  Even the page protector is a mess :)  He has always been willing to do his "Scary chart" and will sometimes request it.  I think it really helps him have control over his feelings.

Coming full circle

Thomas had off of school today for a teacher-in-service day, so he had to come with me to drop of his brother Liam at preschool.  Liam now goes to the same preschool that Thomas used to go to.  The same place where we discovered Thomas had selective mutism, the same place where he struggled immensly and had some of his most difficult days.  The school is great and we love the staff, which is why Liam goes there now; however going in there still reminds me of those two very tough years when we were struggling to understand what was going on with Thomas and watching him have so much trouble in preschool.  The two years Thomas was at this preschool were our hardest years to date, as we began our SM treatment and had so many questions.  Thomas had not been there since his last day of preschool when we got his "awesome" memory book, (See June 18, 2014 post) so I was really nervous, but excited to bring him back there.

Thomas was excited to go.  He was so young that luckily he doesn't remember much of his time there.  We talked about the questions he might get asked by the director and his old teachers so that he would be prepared.  I wasn't sure what to expect, as he had never really talked inside those walls and he would be getting a lot of attention today.  When we walked in this morning, we were immediately greeted by the director who was so excited to see him.  They made such a big deal about how big he had gotten and asked him how old he was and what grade he was in.  He answered EVERY question!

Then we went to Liam's classroom and although he didn't really remember it, he was talking to me and pointing out things on the wall that are also in his classroom, like the weather chart, alphabet, etc.  His old teacher's aide is now Liam's teacher's aide and she couldn't believe how well he was doing.  She was his safety net and Thomas spent most of his time by her side.  He was a little more hesitant answering her questions, but he did answer most of them.  I was so proud of him.

It was so great to show these people, who witnessed day after day complete muteness when he was there, that he could now talk!   I still look back on Thomas's preschool days when he was completely mute and struggle with the sadness of those times.  Today I truly feel like we came full circle with this and now really feel a sense of closure on this chapter of Thomas's life.